Day 249: Not Quite a Butterfly

image: pinterest

image: pinterest

About two weeks before #sirellisroy was born Carl and I received some scary yet very real advice from some parents we admire and look up too. Basically they told us that our relationship as we had come to know it was over. Dead. Gone. Bye-bye. They shared that we would enter some kind of “cocoon phase” and how much resistance we had during the cocoon phase would depend on when we would emerge as butterflies into the new beginning of our lives together, and separately. Part of me hoped they were joking because I kinda sorta loved our relationship just as it was. But I knew what they were saying was true, and it scared me. In fact, it still terrifies me sometimes, especially when I feel like I can’t breathe because of this damn cocoon all suffocating me and sh*t. There is no where to go – and it’s not like even if I could leave. I’d have to be back in four hours leave because I am a human milk machine. #breastfeedingproblems

Entering parenthood with Carl, I have never felt more alone and separate from him as well as more connected and together. It’s so strange. We are not who we were a year ago – and there are plenty of days when I am too exhausted to remember that, and I forget. Or, I am so wrapped up with taking care of a baby and a house and now a new dog that I forget to kiss him or hug him. You think your love will never change, and then one day it does and you are like, “Whoa! Hold the fuck up. I want my relationship back.” And, therein likes the resistance.

New mama mantra: Life as you know it will never be the same. If you try to go back to your old life, you will suffer.

So, here we are, in this cocoon together and separately trying to make out what the other is saying with all this slime and sticky stuff around our bodies and in our mouths and forcing us to be closer than we might want to be but not close enough to really understand what the other is truly is needing or wanting.

When I stop resisting, it is quite cozy, all snuggled up with the ONLY person I’d ever want to be in this place with.

So, tell me your cocoon parenting stories and struggles and triumphs as you found your wings together again. We need some encouragement tonight. #365things

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