This has been a hard week for many people. The loss of a legend to a silent and deadly disease has shaken the world to it’s core. I’ve made a trip to Albany, NY to celebrate the life of another beautiful young woman who we have also lost to the deep abyss of depression. My heart aches and goes out to those who are hurting – those who are far away and those whose eyes I will look in and whose bodies I will hug and hold close this weekend.
I am reluctant at times to take the winding road back down into my own past; to have the courage to peel back some of the skeletons in my closet and come face to face with the memories that live there. There is pain. There is shame. There is grief. Once upon a time – their presence was much larger and they walked within me day in and day out. Their weight would hold me down in my bed for days/weeks at a time. Their unforgiving hands would wrap themselves around my neck and suffocate me from connecting with any kind of potential to rise above that I held within my cells. I’d grasp at anything I could to bury them or keep them at bay.
I am not a particularly religious person, but one of the few quotes from the bible that has always stuck with me was the promise that God made to Noah that he would put a rainbow in the sky to signify the end of the flood. That for 40 days the rains raged, terrifying and destructive, destroying everything around it. And, at the end of the rains, God would place a rainbow in the sky to remind Noah of his promise to him that the rains will indeed come to an end.
I don’t think that God meant that there would be only one flood over the course of our lives. Because if there was only one flood, than there would be only one rainbow – and I’d choose to see hundreds of rainbows over one, if it meant that I made my way through yet again, another flood, another dark time or just simply to be grateful for how far I’ve come along my journey and to hold nothing but compassion for others, for we have all experienced the floodwaters rising too high at times.
My daughter saw this rainbow today as she, myself and #sirellisroy were sprawled out on my moms lawn this evening, talking and playing.
The journey has not always been easy – and I have wanted to give up at times. It’s been a long time since I have ever felt that way, but there was a time when I did. Sadness consumed me and a longing for wholeness enveloped my entire existence. Regret and shame circled me until they cornered me into a dark, dark place. When I looked up at this rainbow today, with my children by my side, I was reminded of again of His promise.
I am eternally grateful for there are just some things, some miracles and that I cannot explain and sitting beneath that rainbow today is one of them. Thank you for Thy Grace. #365things